Sex expert and author Tracey Cox has published countless articles on topics related to sex and relationships. In his last column at Daily mail it tracks what kinds of secrets it’s okay to hide from your partner and what kinds of secrets aren’t.
A secret that it’s okay to hide from your partner
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1 Do not report individual purchases
Tracey says that according to a recent study, 90% of respondents didn’t tell their partner what they bought afterward, even though the partner probably didn’t care. This caused feelings of guilt, which then caused respondents to treat their spouse a little better as a result.
“You don’t want to watch a comedy but you bought me a crazy perfume? Why not just accept your partner’s request, just this once.”
2 That you flirted with someone
A light flirtation with someone who isn’t your partner can have a positive effect on the relationship, according to Tracey.
“Innocent flirting makes you more attractive and adds a bit of joy to an otherwise dull day. It means you’re in a good mood when you meet your partner and even in the mood to take the initiative in sex.”
3 Someone shoot you
Tracey says whether it’s a celebrity or someone you’ve actually met, an innocent shot can be fine. As long as he is certainly innocent. It can increase the production of sex and love hormones that would otherwise start to slow down.
4 What do you think about when you masturbate
Tracey says a lot of couples talk about masturbation with each other. However, few are open about what they are really thinking during the act.
“If you admit that you like lesbian porn, it will be reserved for the partner to demand a threesome. Do you really need to know that he clicked on granny porn and that he enjoyed it?”
5 How many people have you slept with
Tracey says it’s best to keep to yourself what happened before the relationship started, because it doesn’t really matter to the partner, only what happens after the relationship started.
“Never give in to pressure to share your ‘number’.” This number will never be correct – or true. (Almost anyone over thirty will say the number is 10). Men exaggerate and women do the opposite.
6 That you pretend to like something
Tracey says that in the beginning of a relationship there are a lot of white lies, while the relationship is new and you are trying to get your lover’s attention. It often involves things that we say we like and appreciate, but really don’t like.
Later, it’s just a sign of how much we care about our partner that we are always ready to entertain the illusion of making him happy.
7 Adultery in a previous relationship
Tracey says it’s definitely wrong to claim to have been faithful to all previous partners when you’ve been guilty of adultery multiple times. In such cases, the spouse has the right to know in order to understand what he is getting into in the relationship.
“But you don’t have to admit all the shameful mistakes you’ve made in the past.” If you had an affair and you’re not proud of it, what do you gain by confessing and being convicted?
If they ask directly, don’t lie, but I don’t mind keeping quiet.”
8 That You Don’t Like Their Family
Tracey says there’s a simple rule in relationships: your partner can criticize their family, but you can’t.
“Trying to get along with your partner’s family is the greatest gift you can give: it makes everyone’s life easier.” Do they really need to know that you secretly think their sister is a complete jerk when the whole family adores her? I do not think so.”
Secrets you can’t hide from your partner
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1 Whether you want kids or not
“Pretending to never have children because you think your partner is crazy, or will be happy as soon as you announce your pregnancy, is a fool’s game.”
It’s also not acceptable to pretend that you want to start a family just because your partner does. You should never assume that your partner will change their mind, and even if you think you can talk to your partner, you can never count on that.
Therefore, it saves a lot of time to be honest from the start.
2 Financial problems
Tracey says it is absolutely forbidden to hide the financial situation of the household from the spouse. Especially in the case of joint finances or co-responsibility for debts.
This could include the fact that you bought something expensive and therefore emptied your debtor account, or that you lent someone money that you really can’t stand to lose, knowing that you will never get it back. The same goes for the spouse if the bills have not been paid, as this can have serious consequences.
Tracey says secrecy about the true state of finances can absolutely destroy relationships. The only way out is to confess.
3 Falling on abstinence
Tracey shared a personal experience. She and her first husband made a deal to quit smoking, but she fell through and failed abstinence.
“Instead of telling him that, I kept pretending not to smoke and sneaking in cigarettes whenever I could. That meant I tried to hang out with smokers as much as possible, preferably without him.”
Tracey says this kind of stealth can send the message to the brain that it’s more fun when the partner isn’t around, and it can have a negative effect on the relationship.
It is best to confess immediately. The partner could certainly be disappointed and lose abstinence himself afterwards, but it is better to be honest.
4 future plans that affect both of your lives
Tracey says if you’re considering moving overseas for your dream job, your partner needs to know. Especially if the partner really does not want to move.
This could also apply to applying for a job where you know you will have to travel a lot, but you may have young children at home. Then it would be normal to discuss it with the spouse to find out how it could work.
5 stressful situations at work
Tracey points out that people can find themselves in a situation where they no longer feel comfortable at work. Maybe people don’t feel like their work has grown, maybe there’s dissatisfaction with managers, too much pressure, bullying, etc. . This can have a negative effect on mental health, and so it applies to the partner.
“It’s bad enough dealing with it yourself, but it doubles the stress if you have to keep pretending after the workday is over.”
Opening up to your partner about how lost the world is is one of the best things about a good relationship. A problem that’s been cut in half is a problem that’s solved, and partners can bring important insights to the situation.”
6 Addiction issues
Tracey says anyone who knows someone struggling with an addiction knows it’s one of the worst secrets to keep. Especially at the start of a relationship. Everyone has the right to know if their partner is struggling with an addiction because people can then decide if they are ready to continue the relationship.
7 Legal issues
Tracey says it can probably be tempting to try to hide it from your partner if you’ve been sued or accused. However, people need to be honest because, for example, it could be financial claims that could lead to seizure or forced sale of property, and it could also be a criminal case where you may just have to leave your home for a period of time to serve your sentence.
8 Health issues
Tracey says people tend to hide their health issues from their partners so as not to cause them unnecessary worry and confusion.
However, it is likely that the spouse has noticed that something is wrong and is even more worried because you are hiding something serious from him.
Tracey says people should tell their partner about an illness as soon as symptoms appear, not just when the diagnosis is made. This is a trip couples should take together from start to finish.
